TexasMama

Back, But Not as Planned

I'm back and I hope to post regularly again.  I won't even attempt everyday but I'm shooting for 3 times a week.

Unfortunately, I'm not back as a TTC'er just yet.  I may have mentioned on this blog before, my somewhat strong feeling about the ever-benevolent industry known as health insurance.  Right.  Well, it strikes again.  You see, we are both self-employed and currently have insurance continued through COBRA from my husbands last job.  That coverage will end in May so last month I began the rewarding and exciting process of securing private insurance for us.  G-'s was easy.  The children's hospital here offers a great plan that I wish I'd signed him up for ages ago.  We say about $200 for him alone making that switch.

But for us, it another matter entirely.  I could get us great coverage for the reasonable price of about $800 per month *splutter, cough* but that would specifically exclude any maternity coverage.  If I want maternity coverage I can get a crappy policy for about the same cost, or a decent but not great policy for over $1000 per month.

Or S- and I could form a "business," either by his existing business hiring me, or by starting a new one all together.  There are all kinds of problems with both scenarios but either would get us good coverage with maternity for $800 - $900 per month. 

The last option is to simply go without maternity coverage.  My midwife actually recommends this.  She says the cost of prenatal care and a normal home-birth is much lass than what we would pay for a year or two of maternity coverage.  But I just don't feel comfortable with that.  What if I need to transfer to the hospital?  What if something goes wrong?  No coverage would mean we would be out of our house for sure.  I just don't think I can take that risk.  Plus I feel like getting the coverage will help ensure I really don't need it, right?  It's the old umbrella adage... So until all that is worked out, I'm back on BCP's. 

In other news, I'm running a marathon in just under two weeks.  I'm dedicating it to my might-have-been baby.  I would have been 37w6d on race day.  I'm considering running with a pacing group that will have a 4:15 finish time.  I'm going to talk to the pace setter at the expo the day before the race and see if I think it would be good for me.

Finally, G- is nearly potty trained.  He decided he did not want to wear diapers anymore and after a few days of frequent accidents, he has now gone over a week with just one.  We are cheating a bit though.  Most of the time he poops in his diaper before we put on underwear in the morning.  He's really only pooped on the potty 2 times that I know of.  But I think it will happen soon.  Once he does it a few times in a row I think it will click.  On the bright side, He wore "just underwear" for all his naps last week and stayed dry, and this morning his pull-up was still dry from all night.  My baby is getting so big!  No if only he would just sleep all nigh. :)

Oh and as you probably know, Prop 2 did pass.  By an overwhelming 74%.  Ugh, what an ugly day that was.  I just don't understand it.  No one I know voted for it, not even my Republican Dad or Sister.  Even they thought it was a horribly sad day.  What is wrong with people?

Oh, Yeah, She's the "Crazy Mom"

I'm definitely going to be known at G-'s school as the crazy, overprotective Mom.  I went back to check on him 3 times today.  The first, he was still crying.  UGH!  The next two he was fine.   When he saw me at pick-up, he grinned and ran strait past me to the benches they are supposed to sit on to wait for the parents.  Well, at least he good at the rules right?

Then as soon as he got to the bench he squealed, "We're going to Chucky Cheese's!!"  Yup, that's right, folks, I have resorted to all out bribery.  But he seemed less mad today, and if the prospect of riding on Scoop can distract him from his earlier abandonment, I think we might be going to CC everyday for a while. ;-)

Then the twerp even talked me into getting him the horribloe CC pizza.  But I ate it and enjoyed it because my baby was happy.  That'll be the only time, though.

This afternoon, we are going out to get the book,  Owl Babies.  It was reccommended by and friend, I hope it helps.

My heart Aches

Today was G-'s 4th day of school.  And I left.  No, really, I did.  3 times, actually. Yesterday I took him to his favorite toy store and I let him pick out a special toy.  I told him if he would let me leave school, and he would stay and play and be happy, we would go back and get the toy for him right after school.   When I left, he asked me to stay, but he did not cry.

Then there was a whole cell phone fiasco I won't go into, and I ended up back at the school 20 minutes later.  He was crying.  When I finally left again he was pretty upset but the teacher assured me she would call me if he didn't calm down quickly.  I went back about an hour later and he was happily playing.  He did not see me, so I left again.

I came back at pick-up time and he was sitting on the little bench with the rest of the kids, seeming happy enough.  But he wouldn't look at me.  I asked if he had a good day and he said yes.  I asked if he was ready to go with me and he said, "I don't want to go with you."  Oh dear God, my heart broke in two. 

Once, on an AP board I lurk on, a woman posted that she thought kids that were left in day-care screaming but then did not want to leave at the end of the day, had simply had their trust utterly broken.  They wanted to stay at daycare, because no one there had broken their trust yet.  I dismissed that as total over-reactive AP-dogma crap, but I have to tell you, when my dear, sweet child would not look at me and said he did not want to go with me,  I knew, that was exactly what had happened.  I betrayed him and he was afraid to trust me again.  And it felt awful.

But anxious to make him happy,  I asked if he wanted to go get his pizza set and he grinned and happily jumped off the bench to come with me.  Outside I asked him to look at me and give me as kiss.  He gave me a big kiss and said he loved me so I felt better.  I guess  a little toy bribery goes a long way.

I asked again if he had a good day and he said, "Yes... and you came back for me!"  (picture my heart breaking again...)  I reassured him for the millionth time that I would always, ALWAYS come back for him.  He seemed fine the rest of the afternoon, and was very cuddly with me, so I think our relationship is not too damaged, but I worry, very much, about leaving him again. It may sound overly dramatic to some, but I really do think he believed I had simply abandoned him yesterday.  That is something I never, NEVER want my child to feel.  What if he feels that way every day?  Surely that would affect his long term trust of me.  Is it a mistake to leave him?  He's always been happy to see me again, when I've left him with the nanny.  Ack, why is this so hard.  I was feeling so good when I left the first time, and I'm so worried now.  And I am really not looking forward to tomorrow.   *SIGH*

The school decision is made!

Last week, I spoke to admissions directors at 7 different schools.  One that I think we might really have liked, had waiting a list, 2 were all day everyday schools, and G- was not old enough (or patty trained enough) for another 2.  That left us with 2 possibilities.  Ideally I wanted a school that he could also go to next year.  My dream situation was a school that he could go to 2-3 day a week this year from 9 or 10 until 2 or 3, and then go about the same times but for 4-5 days a week next year.  Alas, such a school does not exist, or at least does not currently have any opening.  Of the two remaining choices, one went everyday from 8 to 11:45 and the other had openings on Thursday and Friday and went from 8:45 to 1.

I reluctantly went to see St. S-, the every morning school.  I didn’t like the times because I really want his nanny to continue working for us, but I didn’t want to be away from G- for more than 6 hours.  That would mean she would be working less than 3 hours a day 2 days a week, and I wasn’t sure it would be worth her time.  Also, all G-’s classes are in the morning, so I would have to rearrange the whole schedule.

But when I got to the school, I loved it.  It is a true Montessori school (as opposed to a MDO program) and each class is staffed with certified Montessori instructors, most with many years of experience.  They incorporate music, art, Spanish, and movement into the day, and the classroom was wonderful.  The other school did not give me nearly the same positive vibe and the 1 o’clock time would wreak havoc on nap-time.

But what finally sold me on St S-’s was the drop off policy.  They strongly encourage parents to stay with the child for the first several days.. Eventually, they would like you to be able to drop the child at the door, actually a teacher comes and gets him out of the car for you, but they feel very strongly that it is important for the kids to have positive feelings about the school in the beginning.  (Seems like kind of a “well duh…”  to me, but whatever).

So now I’ve managed to work out his other classes, though he will have a new swimming teacher (which I know will be upsetting for him, he LOVES Doug!) and new gymnastics coach.  I still have to work out the nanny’s hours but I’m sure we can manage.

Actually I wrote this post a few days ago but never posted it.  So today was the first day of school and I'll be sure to post about it later.

Oh my God, Pre-school's Going to Kill Me.

And it’s only pre-school! What in the world am I going to do when I have to face REAL school???

So I had G-  all set up for the year with a perfect childcare plan.  He was going to go to a new Mother’s Day Out program at our church 2 days a week, his nanny would have him 2.5 days a week, and my mom would take the other half day, leaving me 5-6 hours a day to work.  When I first talked to the MDO director, I told her I had never left G-  in a drop off day care situation and I wanted to be sure he could adjust to it gradually.  She led me to believe that while they weren’t going to love that, they would work with me on it.  The church is literally on my way to work and the hours were perfect.  It was a no brainer.

Wednesday, I went to pay his first month’s tuition and fill out the paper work.  I asked again about staying with him for a while and they said they were not going to allow the parents to stay at all.  In fact, I was to hand him off at the door and not even come in the classroom at all to help him settle in.  They would have a getting to know you day before the semester starts so the kids could get used to the room and teaches, etc.  I explained that G- takes a while to warm up to groups, even ones he sees regularly.  At our music class, he usually spends the first 5 minutes with his head buried in my chest, even when we have been to the same class with the same people 8 weeks in a row.  She assured me that they would only let him cry for 45 minutes before calling me.

Now, I realized that many people probably consider me to be an over-indulgent parent.  I nursed the kid ‘til he was 2, I lay down with him every night when he goes to sleep, and I have never in his whole little life let him cry for anywhere near 45 minutes.  In fact, I pretty much never let him cry alone at all.  And there is just no way he is going to get comfortable enough with the teachers in one 2 hour session, for me to just dump him off like that.  Plus, all the kids will be new, as it is a new program, so I’m guessing most of them will be upset as well.  I just can’t see leaving him in a room full of screaming kids worth just a “OK, see you later sweetie.”

But like the non-confrontational person (read total wimp!) that I am, I paid the fee and left.  Crying. And thinking it was just me, and obviously this just must be how it is done.   And I cried much of the rest of the day, until I realized I just didn’t think I could possibly do it.  And more importantly, I don’t want to.  There was another issue that bugged me too, but I'll get into that in another post.

So I started calling other schools.  And the more people I talked to, the less comfortable I was with the first program.  No one else said I would not be allowed to come in the room with him.  Some even said they encourage the parents to stay the whole first day and to gradually leave for longer periods of time over the first week or so.  So I’ve pretty much decided he will go to a different program.  I think I even have one selected.   Now I just have to get up the courage to withdraw him from the MDO program and actually tell them why.  Preferably without crying.

Therapy 2 or The Longest Post in History

Well, I’m setting aside my exploration of the possible answers for a while because I have too much other stuff running around in my head right now.  We went for out first session of therapy today and I have to say I am now a little scared, for two reasons.  One, S- sees things in a much worse light that I thought.  And I’m not really seeing that he sees a lot of hope in things improving.  Two, we have inadvertently landed on a very anti-AP therapist.    Right now I need to deal with the AP part because the S- part would be better addresses in my thoughts about reasons we are going.  Plus I need to get my thoughts out in order to “fight back.”

Problem 1 with having an anti-AP therapist is that DH has never been on board 100% on the whole thing.  To be honest, I wish I had never mentioned the term Attachment Parenting to him, because that is not really what we are doing, at least not in the dogmatic way of most people who identify themselves with attachment parenting.  We don’t co-sleep and never really did, I weaned my son in a very parent-led manner, it was gentle but it was decidedly not his choice, I work outside the home nearly 25 hours a week, purely by choice,  I use time outs (though we call it chair time and I sit near him) , and I use the threat and follow-through of separation to get him to go to sleep at night.  However, I firmly believe in the absolute importance of the relationship of mother and child, and that a close, attached relationship early in life is THE BEST foundation for the child’s future life.* 

But S- has latched onto the idea of attachment parenting as the sole root cause of G-‘s sleep problems.  He fails to realize how far from attachment parenting we really are and insists that I have some kind of “agenda” in my parenting and that I’m following some system regardless for wether it works for our child.  But we are not following some of the base tennents of AP specifically because I found they did not work for our child.  Co-sleeping is a prime example.  He is also convince I spend hours comparing notes with other attachment parents and that all the tiem I spend on-line, “chatting with my girlfriends” as he says, is some way in furherence of this AP agenda.  He has a fair gripe that I spend to much time on line, but in fact, almost none of it is spent in AP communities as I have long since been ostrisised for my un-AP practices.  I actually spend more time in infertility circles than AP ones, and most of my time is spent with a first time moms group that is very mixed to the point of including some folks following Ezzo.**

So S- brings up the idea of AP in our session today and we spent a lot of time focusing on the differences in our views on parenting and how this is impacting our marriage.  By the end of the session, the therapist was convince that G- runs our house and it is completely because of him that we are having marital problems.  She had S- nearly convinced that this was our main problem, until we left and were discussing it.  And eventually I got him back to what I see as the real problem: the intimacy issues.  He agrees, of course, and since we had some of these problems before G-, it can’t be all because of him.  But I am afraid that the therapist will be able to divert attention away from the real issues and convince S- that my parenting choises are the problem.  Or at the very least, create more friction between us due to parenting issues, when I really believe that while those issues may be exacerbating the problem, the root is something else entirely.

Problem 2 with having an anti-AP therapist is that I think it will likely color her counseling.  I think she may not be able to accept that it is possible to do some version of AP and still have a healthy marriage.  And this is where my real disagreement with her begins.  She drew a little diagram of what she says is the healthy parent child relationship.  The parents are parallel on top and the child is below.  She said we need to put our own individual needs first and then our needs as a couple and then the needs of the child.  And the more I think about it, the more I realize I just fundamentally disagree with that analysis.  I absolutely agree that it is very important to have a strong marriage, that we need to make the health of our marriage more of a priority.  I also agree that it is important for each of us to take care of our own needs.  However, I simply do not accept that the needs of the child should come last.  In my mind, all people in all relationships should be of equal importance. 

For any relationship to be healthy, I believe the needs of all the individuals in the relationship need to be considered equally.  Just because one of those individuals is a child should not automatically render his needs less important.  In fact I believe there is a period of time, from birth to about, say, 2 years, that the needs of the child absolutely should come first, by simple virtue of the fact that the child cannot see to his own needs.  I also think the fact that a child under two has no comprehension of the needs of others has to play into the treatment of young children.  They simply do not understand that the world does not exist for them, and a parent ignoring the needs of a child or putting their own needs first is teaching the child that his needs are not important and will not be met.  Somewhere around 2 years old, they begin to gain the capability to recognize that others have needs as well.

If we accept that all people need to take care of their own needs first, we have to consider the fact that an infant or young child cannot really take care his own needs as he has no way of enforcing what he needs.  That means it is up to the parents to make sure the child’s needs receive equal consideration.  This, in my mind is one of the sacrifices of parenting.  I chose to have a child and he is now my responsibility.  I do not get to continue living my life as if he did not exist.  Nor do I want to.  His childhood is a very short time in both my life and the life of our marriage and we should be able to make that temporary sacrifice without it destroying our relationship.

Where I see common ground with our therapist is that I do believe it is possible for the parents to continue to put the needs of the child first when it is time to be transitioning to a place that everyone’s needs are equal.  I think we have reached that point, and she is absolutely right that we need to begin to help G- respect that his parents have needs that are equally important to his.  I do not believe that this will require a fundamental change in parenting style.  He has come a long way in the past few months, learning to play by himself for longer periods and sleeping much longer periods.  I see no reason that we cannot continue to make improvement with out ignoring him when he calls. 

She asked what I would say if she told me that the more gradual transition I was suggesting would result in more distance in the marriage.  I answered that I saw no reason we couldn’t work on the two things simultaneously.  And I still don’t.  As I said before, I think it is possible that some aspects of our disagreement over parenting are probably contributing to marital stress, but the actual fact of the way we are parenting, is not the problem.  After all, G- is in bed on most nights by 8pm and we do not go to bed until 10 or 11.  That should be plenty of time for us to connect as a couple but we aren’t.  Being able to put William in his room and have him put himself to sleep would not really affect that.  In fact, if it meant listening to him cry for me, it would totally ruin any chance of us enjoying one another and it would make me very resentful.  It might help if he slept a little bit later but I can’t see that forcing him into it with a week of sleep training would help the marriage that much more than taking a month or two to work on it with him gently.

So why, you might ask, do I want to continue to see this therapist?  Well, she comes highly recommended from sources I trust, S- likes her and this therapy thing is really his deal, and in the end, I believe having to defend my parenting choices to her will both strengthen my own resolve and help explain to S- why I feel the way I do.  Also, I agree with much of what she said about what the endpoint needs to be, I just don’t agree with her recommendations of how to get there.  But I think there is a lot to be gained from hearing the other side because I know in my heart it is possible to have exactly the same healthy relationship between parents even while practicing some form of attachment parenting.  If it weren’t possible, AP parents would be getting divorced all over the place and they are not.  At least not any more than anyone else.  SO hearing where she thinks we need to be, and getting there, still being true to my own parenting beliefs, will go a long way in reinforcing for me, for S- and maybe even for the therapist, that AP ideas are OK and can still allow for a good marriage.

*Interestingly, I heard a lecture today by an emergency medicine physician on the relationship of poverty to health. His specific area of study is health trends in populations and the relationship of wealth and health.  Among other truly fascinating things, he said that the single greatest factor in determining a child’s future health is the secure, early attachment of the child to his mother.  He also commented in passing that people in Nepal, though desperately poor by our standards are generally healthier and happier, and they never let their children cry.  I have much more to say about this lecture but it will be a whole post unto itself.

**Who I have to agree with Jo (I think?) is pure evil.

Oh for the love of Armpits!

My son has an armpit fetish.  Seriously, the child was saying armpit at about 14 months.  He loves them, and absolutely cannot nurse without digging his little fingers in.  Usually, it's both hands on the side he's nursing on, but sometimes he like to have one hand on each side.  And he frequently says things like "Mommy, have armpits in bed, please." Or to tell me he's ready for a nap, "Have milk and armpits, go to sleep." 

I'm trying to figure out how to get him to stop, but if I dare tell him armpits are off limits he cries and carries on as if I'm killing him.  "Mommy's armpits are closed.  Need armpits!"  I know, I know, I should never have let the habit get started but sometimes you'll do anything to get you child to go to sleep.   For a time it was my belly button and I foolishly thought the armpit thing would be less annoying.  What was I thinking?

But you know, I have it good.  My husband used to give me a really hard time about this.  He'd say things like he couldn't imagine why I'd let him start doing that, that it was my own fault if I complained about it, and that I was a total wimp not to make him stop.  But I got the last laugh. 

G- recently designated his daddy's nose as his comfort item of choice.  And not just his nose, but his nostril.  He wants to fall asleep with his finger in S-'s nostril.  And you know what?  S- let him!  He let G- stick his finger in his nose to fall asleep.  His response to my incredulous laughter at his exasperated explanation of how G- fell asleep, "Well, at least he fell asleep."  OK, who's really the wimp, here?  And how good am I feeling about the choice of armpits, now?

A Wonderful Day

Today our little family had the most wonderful day.  G- woke up at 10 pm and 4:15 am (wonderful for him) and got up for the day a little before 7.  We played at home for a while then went out for breakfast.  G- and I both had fabulous 2 hour naps and then we all went shopping.  He was so sweet and agreeable all day.  He gave unsolicited hugs and kisses and did not complain at all about shopping.  He had the most fabulous time playing in Pottery Barn Kids and then climbing up the very high ladders in the Levi's store while S- bought jeans.  He got a bit antsy at the end when it was well past his dinner time, but then we all had a wonderful dinner during which he was an angel.  And actually ate.  A lot.

Sigh... I love days like this!

Sigh... Sleep, please.

Illness has wiped out all our sleep gains.  I was just getting used to 5 to 6 uninterrupted hours of sleep, just used to it enough to not wake up every 2 hours panicked that he was not breathing, when the flu struck our house.  It actually wasn't too bad, but the garden variety cold that followed closely has wreaked havoc on everything.  Last night we did see some improvement, so I'm desperately hoping tonight will be better.  Please, oh please...

And good god if I don't stop coughing sometime soon I am just going to lose it.

To Two or Not to Two

My husband and are are beginning to broach the subject of a second child.  I go back and forth so often, I honestly can't say if I truly think a second child would be the right thing for us.  But I am fairly certain we will eventually try for another.  And the reason for that, frankly makes me feel like a pretty lame mother.  I started this post to work out in my mind all the pro and cons of having another child, and when the best timing would be, but after starting over 7 times, only a few things have become clear. 

I loved being pregnant and I cannot imagine not having that experience again.  I did not get exactly the childbirth experience that I wanted and I want to try again.  Next time it will be a home birth.  And I loved the newborn phase.  The first weeks were hard but then there was a time when he would just live in the sling.  My life sort of went on as it had before except I had this sweet smelling, beautiful little person in perfect kissing range and it made me so happy.

What terrible reasons are those for wanting to have another child?  Yes, of course there are other factors, like a sibling for my son, weighing in, but in the end, the real reason I want another child is that I want to experience pregnancy again, and I want to have a home birth.   And I want a sweet quiet little newborn attached to my person at all times.   And I want these things desperately.  Having 2 children... I'm not so sure on that count.

The scary thing is, I know my desire to experience those things will win out.  Then will I be bringing a child into the world for terrible reasons.  What if I have a complicated pregnancy or can't have a home birth?  What if he's colicky or hates the sling?  What happens when the newborn phase is over, will I be able to handle the reality of the situation?  And what happens to my darling son during that newborn phase?  It won't be like last time.  What if I resent him for intruding on my newborn time?  I can't imagine anything worse than deliberately doing something that might make me resent the one person I love more than anything in the world.

Clearly I have a lot more thinking to do.  And obviously the pros and cons of a second child and the timing, is another post.  To Two or Not to Two, part 2 - coming soon.