m Today is the due date from my miscarriage. *sigh* I've done a lot of things since then that I would not have been able to do if I were pregnant and I'm doing more things in the next few months that would be much harder with a newborn. But I still wish he were here, my little might have been. So today I am a little sad. I'm sad, and I'm feeling guilty for not being even sadder. When I am honest, I admit a baby right now would not have been an ideal scenario. Then I feel guilty for not wanting it with everything I should. But I'm trying to move on and keep to the brighter side of the loss.
One brighter element is that my cycle worked out so that I am ovulating today. It's all a lot of odd little coincidences and practically miraculous occurrences that got me here today. I was terrible with my pills last cycle, so when I missed one, AF came really early. Then I seem to be having an almost normal person cycle. To my knowledge, I have not ovulate before CD 20 since high school. But yesterday, at CD15 (15!!!) I got a +OPK. So today, on my old due date, I should be ovulating. I don't really believe in things being meant to be, but I have to admit it feels a little that way now.
The OPK's were a strange story in themselves. Usually, I have a faint second line all the time. Then it get a little darker a few days before peak, I get two days of +'s and it goes back to being faint. This time, I had two super faint lines, didn't test one day, and yesterday mornings test had absolutely no second line at all. That afternoon I checked CM and found a huge glob of EWCM. Very unusually for me. My cervix also felt very soft and open, though I'm really terrible at judging it, so I did another OPK and it was clearly positive. From nothing to positive in just a few hours. I did another last night, just to be sure and it too was positive, This morning it is negative again but I'll check once more this afternoon just to be sure. I've been temping, the last few days as well, so hopefully I'll see a nice rise tomorrow. Thank goodness for $0.89 tests!
With luck, I'll be in the 2ww tomorrow. Well one week for me since I believe in testing as early and often as possible. Yay again for cheap tests!
So there we are, sad and guilty and excited all at once.
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