TexasMama

Not Good

3rd beta came back at 183.  That's a doubling time of 102 hours.  Basically there is no hope, but just to make sure we did one more test today.  Results coming tommorrow.  I am numb.

Waiting...

They have my blood.  Now I wait.  I go back and forth constantly on whether I think it is OK or not.  I did another FRE this morning, after a few days a refraining, and it was darker.  Not anywhere near as dark as it was with my son, but I still choose to be encouraged by that. 

At least I have lots of distraction for the weekend.  My son's birthday party is on Sunday and his actual birthday is Monday.  In a way I am glad I will not have results before then because now I have no choice but to put it out of my mind and enjoy my baby's birthday.  I already feel guilty for how split my attention will be if this pregnancy does last, so taking anything away from him on his birthday would just not be fair at all.

So Tuesday afternoon, sometime after 2, I should have news.  For a doubling time of 48 hours, the number needs to be at least 352.  To maintain my previous doubling rat of 58 hours I'd need a 284.  Anything less than that will not be good news at all.

Beta Hell continues...

Results are in at 103 for a doubling time of 58 hours.  I go back on Friday and won't have results until Tuesday.

SIGH  I hate this.  I am so not good at waiting...

Beta Hell

Thanks Nichole and Anna!

Well, I'm definitely pregnant, but it's hard to say if it's going to stick or not.  I could not convince any of my regular dr's to do a beta on Friday.  My OB switched practices, my hopefully new Midwife couldn't see me yet, my Endocrinologist and my Infectious Disease Specialist (don't ask, it's a long story) don't do those tests, and for some reason I did not think to call my regular old internal medicine dr.

So on Sunday with more insanely faint tests under my belt, I went to the Urgent Care Center, and after a lecture from a nurse about how this wan an Emergency Room and they don't do tests just for people's peace of mind, a totally clueless dr came in and agree to do the test.  Long story slightly shorter: it came back at 56.

On the surface, 56 isn't too bad for 13dpo, however, at the same point with my son it was 170 and the HPT's were nice and dark.  I have a hard time believing that it can be 56 and rising normally after 4 days of faint + tests.  That would mean I was getting +'s with a beta level of something like 12.

So yesterday I called my old OB's office and asked to speak to the midwives.   I explained the whole situation and they let me come in today for another beta.  They have my blood but I won't have results until tomorrow.  So if anyone is out there, I could use some doubling vibes.

OK, now what?

Well, color me a fertile myrtle.  The CVS test says I am pregnant, if barely so.  The FRE is hesitant to agree though, with a line so faint it's just silly.  Of course none of my 9 zillion dr's will draw blood without first seeing me which they of course cannot do today.  I'm not sure what to thing.  My lines were nice and dark at this point with G- so I am not 100% convinced of this pregnancy yet.  We'll see.

IPS abound

A few days ago I typed out a whole, long saga about how I ended up not on my usual birth control (NuvaRing) this cycle.  I don't feel like retyping it but the gist was I didn't put in the new ring in time so I decided to just see what my cycle did.  I started OPK's on CD12 because we'd DTD the night before and I was nervous that I could be ovulating soon, (despite the fact that I have never ovulated before CD30 or so on an unmedicated cycle) and I'm not really ready for #2 yet.  Three days of -OPK's I quit worrying. 

2 days later I had copious amounts of EWCM, something I have never experienced, so I started the OPK's again.  The next day it was very positive. We're talking test line WAAAAAY darker than control line.  And it was only cd19!  That's a flat out record for me, even on clomid.   Now, I am quite sure I am not ready for another baby at this point but let me tell you it was HARD to resist the call of that +OPK.  Even during my clomid cycles when I know from an u/s that I would ovulate, I never got a +OPK.  I'd never even seen one that looked close to positive.  So there I was looking at the first time ever that I knew I would be fertile, without a lot of doctors telling me, and I was so tempted to take advantage.  Then my son woke up 3 times that night and my resolve to wait, despite the beautiful OPK, was strengthened.

So I pulled out my old Protectaide Sponges.  They were a bit past their expiration date but I thought they probably add a hefty margin of safety in there.  I also thought about the fact that they are notoriously ineffective for women who have had a baby.  But I thought the chances of me getting pregnant on my own at all are pretty slim.  If it happened while I'm using BC and only having sex about 3 times a month, well, I guess I'm just going to have to accept it as meant to be.

So now I'm 6dpo and every symptom in the book is taking over.  I credit nearly all of them to that odd little hormone called progesterone with which my body is so sadly unfamiliar.  1dpo my boobs started to hurt.  Running is hard with sore boobs! 2dpo I started feeling light-headed every time I stand up.  4dpo I got ravenously hungry and still am.  Today I'm nauseous but I'm gonna blame the Met for that one. 

It's odd how the body and mind work.  The chances that I am pregnant are slim to none.  I know in my mind that the timing would be bad on may levels.  I want to have William weaned before trying again.  I don't want a January due date.  I want William to be closer to four not just past 2 and a half.  I want to get into shape before I get pregnant again.  I want to run a marathon in January.    The chance that any of my current IPS are actually caused by a pregnancy is zero, because it is too early for implantation, and without that there can be no real symptoms.  And yet, a little part of me want to be somehow, miraculously pregnant.  That believe that these symptoms mean something. Because the neat thing about pregnancy, despite all the drawbacks and problems I listed, is that if all goes well, you get a little baby out of it at the end.  And you know, I really like the sound of that.

In Memorium

Texas has lost one of it's few good guys out in Austin.  Representative Joe Moreno was killed last night in a car accident.  He was serving his fourth term and was part of a strong effort to curb the outrageous pollution problem in this state. He is from a strongly democratic district so there is little doubt his successor will also be a Democrat, but, in accordance with state law, his seat will reamain vacant for the remainder of this legislative term. 

My condolences to his family and friends.  I did not know him, but I am deeply saddened by his passing.  I thank him for his dedication to public service.  He really was one of the good guys. 

A clarification about twins.

I know if I end up having twins I will be very happy and love them to pieces and not know what I would have done without them.  However, for many, many reasons, I only want 2 children, and as I already have one who I am quite inclined to keep, that doesn't leave space in the equation for twins.  I have no problem with other people having 3 or more.  It's just not my personal decision to do so.

Additionally, yes I know many many moms have very easy, healthy twin pregnancies.  But the risks of complications are much higher.  We all know the laundry list of things more likely to happen with multiples, and if possible, I'd prefer to avoid those risks.  And while it is possible to deliver twins naturally, none of the midwives I talked to with my first pregnancy would take a twin mom and certainly not at home!  The hospital I delivered at requires twins be delivered in the OR with an epidural in place.  It does not have to be delivering any drugs, it just has to be ready in case it is needed.  I'm sure other hospitals might have better policies, but my dream is to have my next baby at home.  And even if I could find a midwife willing to attempt that, even I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

Finally my lifestyle.  There is just no way I could go out without a stroller etc., with twins AND my toddler.  It would be hard enough with just one baby and even that will take some changes in my way of life.  I am not an organized person and I forget half of what I need for my son, most of the time.  But he's just one so it's manageable.  I've borrowed diapers or wipes more time than I care to admit, and have stopped for emergency snacks too often to count.

So the point is, I have nothing against twins, it just that I would prefer to have one baby at a time.  It's not about whether twins are good or bad, it's about me, and my questionable ability to cope.  If I'm honest, I will admit coping with just my one has been challenging at times.  I am simply not equipped to handle much more.  That is one of the big reasons I think it would be better if my son were closer to 4 than 3 as well.

I certainly did not mean to offend any one with twins.  And since I obviously did, I want to say I'm sorry to all the twin moms out there.  I really am. 

To Two or Not to Two: Part II

SO here I am thinking about #2 again.  Until a few days ago, I had a plan that I was really happy with.  I was going to go off BC in January and try for a few months on my own, avoiding the Christmastime due date.  It should be obvious fairly quickly if my cycles are going to cooperate.  If I have normal cycles, We'll keep trying for at least 6 cycles before going back to the Dr. But if my cycles are long again, I plan to make an appointment for April, to start a medicated cycle of some sort in May. 

I can no longer take clomid, so we may go strait to IVF.  If that is the case, We'll transfer only 1 embryo for at least 3 cycles before even considering transferring more than that.  My hope is that we would have enough embryos for 2 FET's after the first cycle.  If all those fail, we may just decide 1 child is enough.  Or we may transfer 2.  We'll see.  Ideally I'd like to get pregnant au naturale this time and maybe with the help of a few years of Met, I'll be able to.

But now I am re-thinking.  I really do not want twins.  2 kids is my limit.  Plus, I loved being pregnant and I want to enjoy it again.  One of the biggest reasons I know we will try again, despite the fact that we are quite happy with having 1, is that I simply cannot imagine not being pregnant and having a newborn again.  I want a second chance at natural childbirth and this time I'll do it at home, WITHOUT pitocin.  None of that is possible with a twin pregnancy.  Neither is my way of life.  For the first 9 months, I threw G- in the sling, an extra diaper in my purse and off we went.  No gear, no preparation, no nothing.  With twins, I'd have to totally re-think my way of life and I don't want to.  So I prefer just one baby.

Given that the best way for me to have just one, (well, besides not getting pregnant again at all ;) it to get pregnant on my own, I am starting to wonder if I need to build in more time to try naturally.  Or maybe just time to go of BC earlier and see what my cycles do.  Maybe I go off it in October but not TTC, just see what my cycles do.  The problem is that for many PCOS'ers the best chance of getting PG is right after going off the pill.  SO it seems I want to take advantage of that time.  But actually getting pregnant in October would mean a JUNE due date.  Ugh Ugh Ugh! 

My dream scenario is to get pregnant next May or June so that I have a Feb or March due date just before G- turns 4.  But I like the idea of a Feb - April due date so much, I am almost willing to start trying now.  But then G- would not even be 3 yet and I'm not sure I could handle it.  The thing is, We've agreed that if I'm not pregnant by William's 4th birthday, we call it a day and stick with one.  So I'm kind of leaving myself a narrow window, which would send me to the Dr. faster and make me more likely to have twins.

With my luck, we'll have an accidental pregnancy with a September due date (Oh my God, I would melt!) and it will turn out to be identical twins.  ;-)  Maybe I should just be happy with what I have...